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Hipsters
Despite what you may have heard are totally not gay! Hipsters may or may not be the most ironic demographic in the world. .)]] What Is A Hipster? Hipsters are often former Emos who have jumped ship to the next dying trend. They tend to wear long brightly colored scarves even in the summer. Hipsters have successfully strip-mined the 1970's and 80's for pop culture references and icons which are used to impress other hipsters by acquiring the newest and coolest toys and fads. Impressing other hipsters is a the sole motivational force behind such pop culture archaeology. Whether it is discovering the newest and most obscure indie rock band first, or the being the first to wear the wittiest new clothing accessory, hipsters are constantly trying to outdo and one up each other in their quest to be the most hip and "unique" person around. Signs You Are Standing Next To A Hipster * He/she is flashing around his/her iPhone by not letting it be in their pockets for more than 15 seconds. *Has something with Skeletor's image on it. *Has either sunglasses on (regardless of time of day), or refuses to look at something directly. *You are restraining the incredible urge to punch him/her. *Wearing pants that are dyed with a color not yet invented. *Insulted one of his/her peers by calling them a "hipster". *Is cooler than you. *If subject is female, she will have jet-black dyed hair. *Does he/she seem to be wearing a Halloween costume? *Is currently editing this page in an ironically homophobic panic to say: "The subject appears Gay." *Has or appears to have either worn or recently consumed a sweater-vest. *Lacks the ability to apply deodorant. *Is wearing or as their kind would say "styling" a pair or thick rimmed glasses. Where Do Hipsters Come From? {C Hipsters are migrants that have moved from their parent's basements in the suburbs into chic downtown environments under the guise of the great satan known as Gentrification. Here they are closer to their independent stores in which they purchase trinkets that are the only measure of self-worth they have in life. Why hipsters move is key to understanding the mind of a hipster. Hipsters may use their parents money to move out of their all-white neighborhood and into a more "cultured" (filled with minorities) part of town. Ironically (it is hipsters we are talking about here, so actual irony is ironic), in the process of trying to blend in they are instead driving a wedge of hatred and resentment between themselves and these "ethnic" people. This is a result of an influx of hipsters moving into the neighborhood using their parents' money to pay rent. As a consequence, land values, rent, and the overall cost of living increases for longtime residents of the area. How To Interact With A Hipster First, a warning: Under no circumstances call a hipster a hipster! (It is even worse than calling an emo band "Emo".) Hipsters do not believe that they are indeed hipsters, and any suggestion of such will set them off into a spaz. Step One: A Gift Having the above in mind, we can now attempt to approach the subject hipster. While a hipster may seem strange and unapproachable, it is important to keep in mind that they are probably more afraid of you than you are of them. One way of quickly dispelling any apprehension is with food. Hipsters, like other people love food, but you cannot feed a hipster regular food because they have a special diet. Foods such as soy ice-cream or organic/vegetarian Turducken dogs would be quite agreeable with the hipster palate. Another thing to remember before offering food, make sure the hipster has a book with him/her, because they will only eat while reading. Step Two: Conversation Talk about music. Give them at least 5 seconds before announcing that you are taking a photo of them before you actually do. Hipsters need these valuable seconds to pose in a way that expresses an indifference to your picture. Step Three: Interacting with a Community of Hipsters Approach cautiously. Waddle in with a book in hand and sit with your legs crossed while giving a slight bit of attention the populous you are invading. Next one must perform the Hipster Courting Dance known as HCP to gain the groups love and respect. Begin with the most foreign dance moves known to man starting with Babara Strisand and gradually evolving into a 1980's interpretation of Lady Gaga. Upon completion no audible praise will be announced and proceed to sit and eat with your book in hand. The Hipster Voting Record If there is one thing we should encourage hipsters to do, is vote. Their sense of uniqueness in combination with their trend setting ideals lead them vote directly against what their liberal educated brains tell them to. For example: Not only did hipsters account for 13% of the McCain U.S. popular vote in the 2008 election, but they aided in the election of The Greatest President Ever by not voting for his opponent. Instead they voted for some creepy hippie stoner guy. See Also *Hippie *Yuppie *iPod External Tubes *Stuff Hipsters don't like - Scare away those damn hipsters right out of your coffee shop with these things. *More hipster news - Don't ironically click it. *Was Jesus a Hipster? It could explain a lot of things, like when Jesus moved from God's basement into a manger.